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This date SLAYED! I didn’t think this man was my type, but read on. Chock full of surprises!
I was visiting family in Colorado in September. I was fortunate enough to stay in a friend’s beautiful chalet while they were out of town. Now, there are approximately 4,000 cougars in that State…and that number just went up by ONE!
I met The Mountain Man, an unbelievably tall and handsome man on Tinder. We moved off the app quickly and texted all night. The plan was for me to drive to his place around 9pm the next night and let the magic happen. He knew I was from out of town, and hilariously the first thing he texted was – “Are you just looking for a hook-up?” No man – I’m thinking of having sex with you then staying at your house for the year.
The Mountain Man was 6’4 and covered in tattoos. Like – COVERED. I’ve never been a fan of tattoos…until after that night. WOW. I almost got a tattoo myself!
I wasn’t planning on hooking up while in Colorado, so I had to make a quick stop to the local Walmart for things.
- condoms
- lube
- heinous lacy green thong
- imodium (I’d had spicy tacos at lunch)
However, while at the self check-out, the Walmart lady came up and asked if I needed a bag. I watched her stare at my stash and immediately made eye contact with her. I said, “Well you know what I’M doing tonight!!!!“ and made the humping motion. You know, in case the heinous green lacy thong wasn’t obvious enough.
I got to The Mountain Man’s house. It was pitch black and at the top of the highest mountain in the world. He greets me in the driveway.
I’m wearing sexy chunky-heel sandals and proceed to eat shit. Gravel driveway. Dainty.
We make small chitchat. He’s a first responder so I knew I was safe from dying of anything sex-related. I will admit, given his height, I was worried about the size of his hog. What if it was so big it got stuck in me? Spoiler Alert – it didn’t.
I neglected to tell The Mountain Man that the unfortunate arrival of Aunt Flo had happened that morning. I didn’t want him to say – don’t come. AITA? Yes, I am the Asshole. He definitely was not impressed, however that didn’t stop him from giving me the ride of my life. Damn he was lovely.
We ended up lying in bed talking for two hours. Actually, HE ended up talking for two hours. I smiled sweetly, listening, wondering how much blood was on his mattress.
So I left around 1am and that was fun! We exchanged pleasantries for a few days and that was it. Would I look him up if in Colorado again? Probably not…he meditates and lights incense and has a massive picture of a grizzly bear over his bed.
But it sure was FUN
