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Breaking free from a bad marriage can be one of the hardest things a woman can do. For years, I felt trapped in a wildly toxic relationship, feeling as though I had no way out. Three beautiful sons under 8 and a cancer diagnosis of a close family member. (if only it had been my husband).
Constantly made to believe that it was I that caused all the arguments, and it was I that was always negative. Nothing could have been further from the truth. That’s GASLIGHTING at its finest, but that term wasn’t around in 2007. My day-to-day was a constant “Box of Chocolates”. What man was I coming home to that day? How did I fuck up loading the dishwasher after I left for work? How horrible was I to arrive home 20 minutes past dinner time because I was the sole bread-winner.
“You loaded the dishwasher wrong you IDIOT!”
Then, fifteen years later I met a dude. And he’s a dude I wouldn’t have picked if my life had depended upon it, as recently as a year ago. Why? Because he’s nice, consistent, attentive, smart and interesting. He ain’t perfect by far, but he’s pretty fucking close.
What are some of the things a well-adjusted man does to make his lady feel safe and loved?
Accept them for who they are: The first step to helping someone be their authentic self is to accept them for who they are. This means being non-judgmental and letting go of any preconceived notions you may have about them.
Encourage them to express themselves: Encourage the person to express themselves in a way that feels true to them. This could mean encouraging them to pursue their hobbies, dress in a way that feels comfortable, or speak up when they have something to say.
Provide a safe space: Create a safe and supportive environment where the person feels comfortable being themselves. Make sure they feel free to express their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgement or ridicule.
Listen actively: When the person talks to you, listen actively and without judgment. Try to understand their perspective and what they’re trying to communicate. This will help them feel heard and validated.
Give positive feedback: When the person takes steps towards being their authentic self, give them positive feedback and encouragement. Let them know that you appreciate their efforts and that you support them.
Avoid criticism: Avoid criticizing the person for not conforming to social norms or expectations. Instead, focus on their positive qualities and encourage them to be themselves.
HELP IS HERE IF YOU NEED IT
The Assaulted Women’s Helpline offers a 24-hour telephone and TTY crisis line to all women who have experienced abuse. They provide counselling, emotional support, information and referrals.
